This is a post I’ve wanted to write, for some time. I have struggled writing this, because it is so close to my heart. I want to keep it simple. But introduce to my readers the guy that’s already made such an impact on my life. I’ve briefly mentioned in previous blog posts, but this one is dedicated specifically to him. To my jellybean <3
It all happened so unexpectedly. Right as I came back from visiting Glasgow, just before my relocation up there, this guy messages me. And then I was soon to be heading to London.
He made the first step to talk and DM’d me through Instagram. Initially, I’d come across his page and thought, ‘wow this guy is cute and really handsome’. I liked a number of his posts and followed him. I was thinking, what it would be like to know him. He had a cheeky charm about him and once we started talking, I realised he was exactly that, cheeky and charming. He was already beginning to make me smile.
Before all of this, I’d given up finding someone. The years rolled by and I was left with no confidence that I would find someone. And just like that, here he was.
Jakub, has literally stolen my heart. <3 We both kind of just, crashed into each others lives. I really think he came into my life when he did, for a reason. That is how I see it. I believe it even. I’m someone who believes that when people come into your life without notice, you are supposed to interact with them, whether it is good or bad.
I’ve experienced the bad before, but I’m experiencing the good with this encounter. I read it as a sign. Like fate weaving itself right before me. You have given two options with an unexpected encounter. To interact and take that step, or to hold back and not. And I did. I took that step.
I initially came across his profile on Instagram, on the main search homepage. I was just scrolling and his picture appeared. I paused, clicked onto the picture and there he was. I instantly thought to myself, “oh damn!” and I was speechless. I noticed that his eyes were kind, his smile had a warmth, his body and attitude was strong and outgoing too. This was instantly shown through browsing his gallery. There was something special about him, I could just tell. I cant explain it.
He looked to be interested in the same things as me too. A blogger also. Putting together outfits and being someone fashion forward. He was also open about enjoying the rubber and latex fashion/scene, which I’ve kept more private. He has brought out this confidence in me and I’m more open about it now.
I love that we have this unique interest and are able to share it together 110%. Every aspect, the kink and fashion side too. The diversity of it. Everyone should have the right to express themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin. Knowing I have this amazing individual next to me as my partner, makes me feel fearless. Continuing to discover myself and eventually feel myself as something and someone, limitless.
I’m guessing Gay Pride next year will be a lot of fun. Something fabulous and expressive I’m guessing. As someone who’s already walked in the pride parade previously, I know that no matter how intense it might be for someone like me, who hasn’t experienced it. Knowing I’ve got my boy by my side, will be truly something great and memorable.
I noticed his writing style too, was very similar to mine. It was almost like reading out my own thoughts. I spent some time scrolling his page and reading his blog. I was astonished, thinking to myself is this guy even real!
It wasn’t until he messaged me directly, that everything started to change. He was so sweet when we first spoke and it made me smile. I told him I was heading to Glasgow, as to be honest about my current plans. We literally spent the whole day afterwards, texting and it was really good conversation too. We talked deeply about life, relationships, what each other wanted and had been through. Our combined interests that I’ve written about above. I already felt so comfortable talking to him, a lot of what he was saying sounded like, he was in my head. It was eerie. Like listening to myself about the things I want in life and from it. But the words were falling out of his mouth, this complete stranger I was talking to. The whole conversation I kept thinking to myself, “He’s come into your life Tommy for a reason!? So follow it.” And I did.
I asked him out the same day he messaged me and we met officially, the day after in Central London. The first time I laid my eyes on him I was hit with this rush, I just knew deep down this was different to anyone else I’d previously gone on a date with. He was so handsome and this cheeky smile went across his face when he saw me. I was caught off guard when he kissed me hello. I’d wanted to do the same, but I was nervous and awkwardly moved my head to the side. He sensed that and kissed me on the cheek, a real gentlemen.
He had actually just arrived from a job interview. To which he succeeded in getting a few weeks later. A fetish store called Gear London, the little brother store, to their flagship store in Berlin. It is a very high-end establishment, that supplies rubber, leather, athletic wear from a variety of different brands, plus accessories. Aimed at the gay community and those interested in fetish and kink.
(Here he is a little later on in our relationship, once his store finally had its opening. How cute does my boy look <3 <3 <3 )
Our first date was amazing. We talked for hours and in such depth too. After my awkward hello, I made sure I pushed myself, to show him that I was confident. I casually grabbed his hand as we left the restaurant, to show him I wasn’t scared and we later down the street kissed properly. We literally, stopped mid walk and everyone behind were forced to walk around us. We walked off smiling and laughing.
We continued our date for hours afterwards, running into different shops to just get out of the rain. We talked so much and I found myself already falling for him. I thought to myself that it was crazy. I’ve just met him and I’m feeling like this. But his energy was so unusual and magnetic. We kissed in the rain later. I’d given him my jacket to keep him warm as he was shivering. We both stood there, smiling and laughing about the experience we had both just lived through together. We’d spoken about kissing in the rain, only just the day before. I’ll never forget how drenched we both were.
We had been in each others company now, for several hours. Time escaped us. It was dark, getting late and he walked me to the underground. Took me right onto the correct platform and we stood there waiting for my train. Still kissing and still smiling. I was sad the evening was coming towards an end. And I could tell he was feeling this too. A part of me thought about my plans to move to Glasgow and why now had this incredible guy come into my life. I was so confused, but I was solid about one thing at that exact moment on the platform. And that was Jakub.
My train was approaching and we kissed again. He started kissing me quickly all over my face, which left me blushing and grinning like a fool. I stood by the door on the train and looked at this boy on the platform smiling and being all cute. He was so lovely the whole date and I just couldn’t get over the whole afternoon and evening spent together. He took me by surprise again and jumped onto the carriage to kiss me again. And then he jumped off and left me whilst the doors closed with my mouth open. It was taken off guard and had this cheeky grin over my face and we waved goodbye whilst the train left the station. I remember sitting back and looking down the carriage, only to see everyone on it looking at me. I didn’t care, I was in this happy hazy daze. Nothing could bring me down at this moment.
I got into Waterloo station and text him I was on my train home. The whole journey I stared into the vast blackness outside the window and just replayed the entire date. It was something I’ve only dreamed of and I just lived it. I’d let him know I had gotten home safely and went to sleep.
We later met up in the week again for a long weekend. I met his mum and spent 3 days at his house. It was a wonderful weekend, we spent it talking deeply and enjoying the time we had together. It was so relaxed and nothing was expected from either of us too. It was nice to meet a guy who liked to talk and just be cute. That thought of mind is a rarity to find. I know of guys who jump into bed during the first date and that is not me or Jakub. We both value a traditional approach and that I think has made for a really strong connection and foundation for us. The weekend drew to an end and I found myself holding his hand, as we commuted towards Waterloo station. It was bittersweet that moment. I had to go, but I didn’t want to leave him.
It was closing the day I was supposed to be moving to Scotland. My weekend was finishing and I was to be flying in a couple days time. The goodbye at the train station was hard, but we’d spoken about going to make it work long distance. I knew it would be challenging, but I was determined to do it for this boy. Especially after this week was just gone, spent with him. He looked at me so intensely and I gazed back at him and I could see his eyes beginning to water. And I thought this is already breaking my heart, having to say goodbye. He looked at me with this saddened look and I could tell he was feeling just as I was. He held onto me so tight. I will never forget how he was holding onto me. Saying good bye for now to him was a really hard thing to do. I left him with his good friend on the platform and I waved until I couldn’t see him anymore. (Even tripped over a person on my platform, because I was looking at my boy behind the gates. I’m glad his friend had come, because I knew he would be a great help for Jakub to have someone to talk too after I’d departed. His face looked so small and sad when it disappeared from view. I missed him already.
I’d had the most intense and wonderful week with Jakub and the train journey was spent looking into the darkness outside my window, replaying it over and over. And it hit me. I’m staying. This was what I have always been after. To find someone who gets me and who would love me for me. My preferences, my taste in music, fashion and art. Everything that makes me, me. I’ve never needed to try and be someone I wasn’t with Jakub. He doesn’t care that I’m basically Susan from Desperate Housewives. (For those who don’t the character, in a nutshell.)
- awkward, but lovable
- hopeless romantic
- creative and sensitive
So basically me. He’s been great at embracing all of me and never putting any pressure on my past little experiences and what not. Not every guy would be respectful about that and I’ve had negative comments about it from previous guys, but not him. Everything between us has been super relaxed and the rhythm between us is so gently, electric. <3
There is a lot that is different about Jakub, but he also is a lot like me too. He is sensitive, and a worrier much like myself. This helps as we both understand how anxiety and emotion can feel when the other is experiencing it. He has similar dreams, goals and he is determined to create and work for them. That positivity drives throughout every aspect of the relationship. So this allows us to be each others pillar of strength and support. Both helping each other work towards our goals. We’ll get there together, hand in hand. He is happy to talk about anything, like me. Things like the future together, moving in, thoughts about a family, married life. It is refreshing to find someone who just gets it, on so many different levels.
Since that first date, our time together has been intense and plentiful. I’ve got so many other experiences to write about, but I wanted to share in this post, the day that I met Jakub.
He has opened up my confidence and enriched my life already so much. He is so loving and proud of who he is and who I am too. This helps me to love myself, the more time we spend together, with each day passing. That personality, I fell in love with. It’s hard not to feel proud of yourself when you are around him. He makes me proud. Proud to be gay, proud to be sensitive, proud to be different and stand out from the crowd. Being into the rubber scene for example. Proud to be ultimately, human. And to not care so much what people think about me. It has been a continuous fight with myself growing up. A lot of self sabotage to my happiness, to please other people. It has been draining! But I’m more confident and passionate about myself and more relaxed too. I give this thanks recently, to my incredible boyfriend Jakub.
I love this boy and even though I’m scared of what the future will bring for us, I’m excited more. It’s felt real between us, the moment he came into my life. The moment I first laid my eyes on him, I just knew. My wonderful Jakub. I’m already stupidly in love with you, you have no idea! I love being your guy and your supporting pillar in your life. You have me and I know you know that, but I’m putting it in writing here for everyone to read too. I want everyone reading this, to know how happy you make me feel.
I thank you for letting me into your life and home. For meeting your mumma, who I know is huge importance in your life. You have my utmost thanks and deepest love, my beautiful boy. Falling asleep and waking up next to you, is how I would like to spend every day doing.
I know at times, I sometimes have a war in my mind. But you always hold my hand when I need guiding or support. I’ve sometimes felt that I don’t deserve to have good in my life. But you reassure me that I do, and leave me feeling complete. For someone who’s felt broken and unable to express themselves fully at home or growing up. I thank you Jakub Hanczyk <3
To all of my grey clouds, you are sunshine.
Kocham Cię mój jellybean